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Some of my poems

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Dark Poet
Posts :3
Joined: 02-11-2012
Ohio
 
 
Some of my poems
Dark Poet Posted: Sat, Feb 11 2012 2:10 AM Reply

The Light

The light represents hope

It represents courage

It represents life

Without the light we are lost

We must keep the light buringing

For without it we will descend into darkness

 

Dying World

The world is dying and we are all its murderers

Some say it will die in 2012

Some say in a billion years

When will the world die

Who knows, not I

But I do know

The world is dying and we are all its murderers

 

Alone

I am alone

No one can see me

No one can hear me

No one can harm me

I am alone

No one but me

Me and the silence

I am alone 

And I like it

 

The Solider

As we storm this beach I see my friends falling

Bombs and shells explode around me

Then I am hit

I see death finish with my best friend

He is coming closer to me now

As I look around and continue to struggle

I see my comrades are moving forward

Death is over me now

As I let him take me away

All I ask for is forgevness

 

I just started writing about a year ago and am wondering if I am any good, feedback of any kind is welcome.

 
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aidanayress
Posts :1
Joined: 03-17-2012
Lexington, KY
 
 
Re: Some of my poems
aidanayress replied on Fri, Mar 16 2012 11:32 PM Reply

They are good! But the ideas expressed in your poems are quiet straight forward. Try to go in depth of your ideas and beyond the imaginations of the readers!

 
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JEHSA
Posts :3
Joined: 04-03-2012
 
 
Re: Some of my poems
JEHSA replied on Fri, Apr 6 2012 3:57 AM Reply

Thanks for the poems and telling us a little bit about yourself. You haven't been writing for very long! I've been doing this for about 10 years, on and off, more of a reader for most of that time. I hope the information I've written below will be helpful to you as you advance as a writer. Don't get discouraged; art is art. And you know, this is just my opinion which might be in itself utter rubbish. I hope it helps, though.

 

They seem like pretty general ideas and, as the poster above mentioned, a little too direct. Try to mask the meaning of your words a bit, as to give the reader something to think about. The best poetry causes a reaction in other people, it doesn't just tell them what you think. Conversely, most of the poems don't give enough information to really discern what's going on. For either case, a reviewer of my work called this being "self-absorbed".

Are you any good? Yes. But I don't think the style you're using is fulfilling your potential. Also, as you said, you've only been doing this for a year. You've got a lot of expirience to gain and shoes to fill. Below is a consideration of each poem:

 

The Light seems like a collection of fluffy, almost theological thoughts, which don't generally have any meaning on their own. What is the light? We know what it represents, but not enough information is given as to what it is. We know you hold it as important, but how does the reader feel about it? I'm starting to encourage people to write longer-run poetry. Try expanding on thoughts through multiple paragraphs; follow a coherent thought or theme.

 

Dying World is an interesting topic, but it seems too matter of fact. You actually think the two groups you mention are wrong, because man can't be responsible for a star dying or some such. But the poem doesn't really talk about what you think. You must have more of an opinion: write about it. The structure doesn't feel right, there's no rhythmic flow. You don't have to just write line after line. For example, there could be a longer pause, a new paragraph, between lines three and four.

 

Alone is an interesting, dreamy piece, and I like the coverage of vowels and short words. It still doesn't seem to give much information on what you mean, or any chance for the reader to discern the exact nature of your meaning. I feel kind of frustrated by it. Where are you? Are you in some place that's special to you? With someone who makes you feel safe? A memory that gives you peace? Just the general feeling you have when alone?

 

The Soldier is quite a lot different from the others; its great to be modulating with different themes. I think it really needs to be expanded on visually. You seem to have a clear picture of what's going on, so try to describe that picture in more detail. You seem to be most concerned with the character dying. He is coming closer to me now is an interesting line. How? is his body flying at you? If you mean you're about to die too, wouldn't it be more apt to say that you're coming closer to him?

If you're painting your fear of death, or showing the futility of a soldier's life, I'd say you did quite well. The language in lines feels too colloquial and seems like I'm being described something too generally for a dying experience. Then I am hit. A bullet ripped through your body, put some imagery out on how that feels. Although, it seems like it might be your aim to illustrate the last few seconds of dying in a quasi-spiritual way.

 

I hope this commentary helps you. Keep on writing! 

 
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