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" I Miss My Madear"
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" I Miss My Madear"
I need your help. I had to write a narrative short story for class and I need to know from one to ten where this stands and help with the grammar, punc, etc. I used in the short story.
Here it is...
It was an ordinary day for me. I was too young to understand everything that was happening around me and too old to understand why I shouldn’t ask so many questions.
As I sat in a limo between my mother and aunt, I tried my hardest to figure out what they were talking about. I heard words like “deceased” and “ funeral” and phrases like “she’s better up there”, but to me they meant nothing. I sat there almost bursting with my need to ask questions wanting someone; anyone to answer them.
When it seemed like there were finally finished talking, I asked my mom what was a funeral. She replied saying, “ It’s a service familes have before saying goodbye.” Before I could ask what a service was for and why we had to say goodbye, the car stopped. As we got out of the car, I saw cousins, aunts, uncles, and even some family friends dressed in black gathered around what looked to be a church. I was so excited. I just knew I was going to have the greatest time. Before I could ask my mom to go with my cousins, she said, “ No”. Of course I was mad. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t at least go say hey to them. I wanted my Madear.
With tears in my eyes, my mom led me into the church. When we sat down, I asked her where Madear was. Earlier when I asked my aunt, she told me that Madear was sleeping. I still remember how my mom got teary eyes and replied that Madear was still sleeping.However, I knew that Madear never missed church, so I didn’t understand why our whole family was here and she wasn’t.
After what seemed like and eternity later, everybody started to go around in a circle and stop at what looked like a huge box then come and hug us. I hugged them all back and gave them a big smile. When the sea of black finally stopped, my mom got up and pulled me up with her. We started walking that circle. I looked around me and it seemed as if the majority of my family were raining tears. I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Something didn’t feel right. My mom stopped walking and I bumped into her. She didn’t seem to notice though. She was to busy looking at what ever was in the big brown box. I wanted to see. Tugging on her arm, I said, “ Mom, I want to see.”
At first I didn’t know if she even heard me, then suddenly she turned and picked me up. I wiggled around for a second trying to get comfortable in her arms before turning to look in the brown box.
What I saw would forever be stamped in my mind. There she was! My Madear. Laying with her eyes closed in an off white dress, her hair and make-up perfect, her arms crossed across her shoulders, and just like my mom said in a deep sleep.
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jmar2
Posts : 194
Joined: 08-30-2005
Marco Island, Florida
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Re: " I Miss My Madear"
Really well done. I'm terrible on grammar, but I didn't see
anything jump out and bite me. I loved your metaphors, especially
the 'sea of black...'
Send us more please,
John
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Re: " I Miss My Madear"
"It was an ordinary day for me. I was too young to understand everything that was happening around me and too old to understand why I shouldn’t ask so many questions."
How about here you say "and too old not to ask questions"?
As I sat in a limo between my mother and aunt, I tried my hardest to figure out what they were talking about. I heard words like “deceased” and “ funeral” and phrases like “she’s better up there”, but to me they meant nothing. I sat there almost bursting with my need to ask questions wanting someone; anyone to answer them.
Here, take out "limo" (most children don't know what kind of car it is anyway). Put a semi-colon (I think?) after questions and a comma after someone.
When it seemed like there were finally finished talking, I asked my mom what was a funeral. She replied saying, “ It’s a service familes have before saying goodbye.” Before I could ask what a service was for and why we had to say goodbye, the car stopped. As we got out of the car, I saw cousins, aunts, uncles, and even some family friends dressed in black gathered around what looked to be a church. I was so excited. I just knew I was going to have the greatest time. Before I could ask my mom to go with my cousins, she said, “ No”. Of course I was mad. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t at least go say hey to them. I wanted my Madear.
Should be "they were finished talking, I asked my mom what a funeral was." Take out saying after replied (it's redundent). Take out the word "for" after service and "of the car" after "we got out". How about "My mom looked at me as if she could read my mind and said No before I could ask to go with my cousins"? And how about taking out "of course" and saying, "I was mad and I wanted my Madear"?
With tears in my eyes, my mom led me into the church. When we sat down, I asked her where Madear was. Earlier when I asked my aunt, she told me that Madear was sleeping. I still remember how my mom got teary eyes and replied that Madear was still sleeping.However, I knew that Madear never missed church, so I didn’t understand why our whole family was here and she wasn’t.
How about "with tears in my eyes, I was led into the church. We sat down and I asked again where Madear was. Earlier when I asked my aunt (maybe put a name here?), she said that Madear was sleeping. I remember that mom cried and repeated "Madear is sleeping"." Take out "however".
After what seemed like and eternity later, everybody started to go around in a circle and stop at what looked like a huge box then come and hug us. I hugged them all back and gave them a big smile. When the sea of black finally stopped, my mom got up and pulled me up with her. We started walking that circle. I looked around me and it seemed as if the majority of my family were raining tears. I couldn’t stop fidgeting. Something didn’t feel right. My mom stopped walking and I bumped into her. She didn’t seem to notice though. She was to busy looking at what ever was in the big brown box. I wanted to see. Tugging on her arm, I said, “ Mom, I want to see.”
The first sentence here should have "an" instead of "and", take out the word "later", put a comma after "box". Use "along with her" instead of "up with her". "She was to busy" should be "too", "what ever" should be "whatever". Take out "I wanted to see" and use "Tugging on mom's arm I said, "Let me see".
At first I didn’t know if she even heard me, then suddenly she turned and picked me up. I wiggled around for a second trying to get comfortable in her arms before turning to look in the brown box.
What I saw would forever be stamped in my mind. There she was! My Madear. Laying with her eyes closed in an off white dress, her hair and make-up perfect, her arms crossed across her shoulders, and just like my mom said in a deep sleep.
A small child won't know the difference in off-white and white so just use "white". Or say "With her eyes closed and her arms across her chest, it was just as mom said. She was sleeping."
Does this help any? ![Smile [:)]](/WRT/CS/emoticons/icon_smile.gif)
~ I am my own heroine ~
www.mywritersattic.blogspot.com
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RE:" I Miss My Madear"
I'm curious whether this is a short story based on memory of what was probably your first death experience, or if it was a fictional account based on these emotions. Was she your grandmother?
You might easily have thought she was sleeping. I did that with my Mom's father. I still have a problem after more than 35 years with the fact that nobody tried to tell me what was happening. But if your Mom and your aunt actually told you that because they thought it would be easier, that's an awful shame.
For me, there was a dreadful panic besides a feeling of confusion when I figured out for myself that Grandpa was dead. I called him repeatedly, louder and louder I touched his arm through his suit. Then, I made the huge mistake of touching his lifeless hand. The whole scene was not in a funeral home or a church, but right in Grandma's living room!!
It STILL gives me nightmares!
JRfreewheeler@sbc
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Re: " I Miss My Madear"
One other suggestion. If it's not too difficult, let all the emotions come out in this story. Maybe it's hard to do. But when I read it, I felt like you were holding back. This would be the first thing I'd try to fix.
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Re: " I Miss My Madear"
Hello,
Depending upon the age of the child, I could understand the lack of emotion. A very one child would merely be an observer rather than knowing the significance of the events.Very good writing.
Marguerite Zngrillo
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RE:" I Miss My Madear"
Is this college or high school level? For high school, it's pretty darned good.College... well.
Grammar and syntax are okay, but spelling could be tighter (in the
third graph, you have "there" for "they" and in the 5th,"to" for "too).
Last graph needs punctuation after "said." Either comma or colon.There
are a couple of other places where phrases need to be set by
punctuation.
I see a little too much redundancy. "for me" followed by "around me.""Tears in my eyes" followed by "teary eyes." in the 5th graph "after what seemed like an eternity later..." (dump "later.")
I would use the more formal "limousine." "Limo" connotes show biz and proms. Funerals (even if people dress casually these days) tend to be formal, somber affairs.Maybe a quick description or adjective ("long black limousine...")
Suggestion: liven up the adjectives and verbs. Make them richer. "Mom got up," could be "Mom stood..." or "Mom rose...""Began" sted of "started." Asking what a funeral is invites all manner of action ("She bent down and looked into my eyes...")
One more little nit-picky thing: You sure go from being excited about being at church and knowing you were going to have the greatest time to having tears in your eyes. A little more clarity about what changed might be in order.
Oops! You asked for help on grammar and punctuation, and I went off on a tangent!
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