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MarianTheWriter
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Joined: 10-13-2010
 
 
Please, provide some feedback:
MarianTheWriter Posted: Tue, Oct 12 2010 9:17 PM Reply

She kept stepping on the bricks – red one, red one, red one. Red one. He said it’s the only one of a different color, she thought. A red one. She kept walking through the lush botanical gardens. And walking. Her eyes were fixed on the ground, closely following each step, closely watching every brick in front of her. A red one. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she was wrong. An immigrant’s mind is one of constant worry and doubt – always. It could be a different garden, after all. Or a different city. He had travelled so much in his days and she rarely had. What if she didn’t know this to be the right place? An immigrant’s mind is so often in ignorance. He had promised to take her to so many different places. 

If that brick was here, she wasn’t seeing it. She had already been walking in circles for 3 full hours. She had learned the name of the plants, read through every rose bush description, just in case he had hidden it really well. She had noticed every sign in the place, except the one she was looking for.  Her eyes were getting so tired of staring. She kept rubbing her contacts to adjust them better on her zeniths. And then the doubts were back again. What if they had taken the brick out? Maybe he hadn’t paid for it properly? Or maybe when you die, they just dig out your sign – just in case someone from the living, who holds some cash in hand can purchase just that same brick. That would be the last of his items to take away from her.

The sun kept beating on her. It was brutally hot. Hot. Is this really what October should feel like? What happened to all those chilly days when long pants and light coats were the norm, not the exception? She had finished all the water she had brought with her. There were no water fountains around. She kept looking. Her hip was straining. The pressure that had built into it from walking in circles would cause her a lot of trouble tomorrow. She kept trying to focus on today. If she can’t find the brick, would that change everything? Would she cry? Would it change the way she felt?

She knew he loved her. Her and only her. And if she had never said “I do”, what difference had that made? Was it all about the marrying? How would life had been different? More secure? Would the immigration services had been nicer to her? She still would not have had any of his family’s respect, maybe they would have been angry. Yes, they would have never come to a wedding. They would have all been worried about the people that would come – immigrants from all walks of life – with different hairs, outfits, legs, languages. They would not have been able to handle the goodbyes. And especially the welcomes.

If it hadn’t been for that one misery, she would have never known about love. That it was possible to live without anger, upset, fear and pain. Her husband had left her and more power to him. She would have left him first, if he hadn’t gone so soon. An hour after he had closed the door behind him, she had opened the sealed box with the perfectly cleaned wedding dress and had smeared the whiteness with orange juice and catchup. She took the dress outside on the porch and shoved it in the large chiminea. The dang thing would not fit in all at once inside, so she had to cut it into pieces. She kept stabbing the scissors hard into the dress. Anger. Not at him, not at her. At life. Life always played tricks on her. She lit the match and it burned. They were white ashes, not black. And they exploded into the air. She felt better. The scissors then cut her hair. Huge chunks of it coming down like a broken waterfall.  She grew it all for him – to be beautiful and satisfying – complete. She nurtured it for years, pained through it. Her new, hedgehoglike look had scared her. And had liberated her.

The next day she had gone to the hairdresser. She wanted the leftovers of her hair colored – a deep , red color. The color of wine, of fall trees, of dark apples. She felt so old. That was in October, a different October, many years ago.  The hairdresser left the color too long. When the head piece came off, so did all the hair with it. Huge chunks of it, again. The horror in everyone’s eyes was refulling. To cry or to laugh, to scream or to whisper? Should she blame it on life again? When all the hair was gone, she had stood up to see the boldness. Her fingers gently touched the pure scalp. She rubbed her hand all over it. Bold. And bold.

He had walked in right then. She saw him in the mirror. Elegant, refined, tall. Handsome. She turned around and he locked her eyes. There was no shyness, no uncertainly. He knew. She knew. It was bold. She was not his class. He was not her type.  In her ugliest shape, he had loved her. Night after night, day after day, they drank from each other – it was one spirit, one soul, one freedom. It was one sleep and one dream.  When he travelled, she was lost. When he was by her, she missed him. She wanted to be one with him, physically and emotionally. One. She hurt to love.  He never disappointed her, not once. He never made her sad, not once. It was more than she asked for.  He freed her from herself. She lived for him, in him, with him. They forgot about the rest of them out there. For that, they were despised and unexcused. And hated. And envied. And alone.

One day he told her about a special trip. She wanted a marriage. He would marry her, but she must first find the question.  He gave her the clues and let her search. She travelled cities, visited parks, watched people. She talked to strangers, searched movie theaters, talked to the animals at zoos. She played games, took classes, walked the mountains. She listened to speeches, swam the waters, threw the leaves. She overturned stones, shopped the malls, walked through waterfalls. But she hadn’t found it. Trip after trip, clue after clue - subtle ones. 

One night, she narrowed it down to 2 final places. And then he didn’t come home. And he didn’t come home the next day and the next day. And the next day. On the next day, they told her. The gambler was dead. They had found him on the banks of their favorite river, 50 miles down the stream. He had gambled his life.  She cried. And cried and cried. For months. When life had taken the best of her, it always asked for more. She begged and prayed and screamed. She wanted for his people to leave his memories intact, to leave her with his love. But they did not. You are nobody, they said, you’ve got no claims to his things. They didn’t leave anything. Like vultures, they had come in, ate and left. At the funeral, they were many, but she was alone. An outcast. Again.  

But this little brick, they were not going to take it away from her. The tears started rolling down her eyes.  The pain was so strong, her heart cried for mercy. In this heat, her whole body was covered in shivers. She remembered the funeral, that one last moment with him when they were lowering his coffin down. People kept throwing roses on top of his dead body. People who didn’t love him, and roses he didn’t love. The world now seemed to be swirling around her. The cold and hot waves were powerful. She now sat on the bench by the white roses. She needed to breath. She pulled a white rose petal and wiped her tear away. It felt on through the crack of the bench. And there, right where the petal laid, she saw it. All written in black on the brown brick.

Eliza, will you marry me? John.

 

 

 
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meshenair
Posts :12
Joined: 04-30-2010
 
 
RE:Please, provide some feedback:
meshenair replied on Fri, Oct 22 2010 4:14 PM Reply

Hi MarianTheWriter,

My suggestions if you would like to use.

She kept stepping on the bricks – red one, red one, red one. Red one. = Too many repetitions. Try this way - She kept stepping on the bricks – red one, red one, red one.....

gardens. And walking. Her eyes = gardens. Her eyes... remove the And walking again, doesn't fit there.

closely following each step, closely watching every brick in front of her. A red one. = reword the sentence. Closely is repeated 2 times in the same line. not a good way to follow. Remove the A red one or reword it someway that you don't have too many repetitions.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she was wrong. = Maybe repeated. Try to rewrite without using the period.

It could be a different garden, after all. Or a different city. = Try this way - After all, it could be a different garden in another city?

He had travelled so much in his days and she rarely had. - Travelling relates to places... so much doesn't seem to go with this sentence. Try rewriting this sentence again.

An immigrant’s mind is so often in ignorance. = An immigrant’s mind is so often ignorant.

Your first para needs rework.

It seems an interesting piece. I need more time to read the rest.  I am assuming you are writing it as a third person.

Please take a look at my suggestions and see if it flows well for you.

Meshe Nair

 
Top 50 Contributor
mother's happy child
Posts :257
Joined: 03-24-2010
 
 
RE:Please, provide some feedback:
mother's happy child replied on Sat, Oct 23 2010 10:00 AM Reply

Dear Marian,

I read your piece and even though I believe your thoughts are somewhat scattered, as in a "Stream of Consciousness" mode, I liked it! 

From a voice of experience, I have traveled down deaths path and I know the feelings that can emerge from such a tragic event.  Many a day my mind did not work in tune with others.

I think the story merits a professional editor - I hope I haven't offended you.

Hang in There!

Mothers Happy Child

 

 
Not Ranked
MarianTheWriter
Posts :3
Joined: 10-13-2010
 
 
RE:Please, provide some feedback:
MarianTheWriter replied on Wed, Nov 3 2010 8:34 PM Reply

Hi Meshe, 

thank you for taking a look at the story! Your feedback is very important to me. Many times I write and my thoughts seem quite broken and unorganized. That's why I can use someone else's look into the writing. Please, if you have time, I will appreciate reviewing the rest of story too. Again, it is very much appreciated! 

Marian

 
Not Ranked
MarianTheWriter
Posts :3
Joined: 10-13-2010
 
 
Re: RE:Please, provide some feedback:
MarianTheWriter replied on Wed, Nov 3 2010 8:37 PM Reply

Mothers Happy Child, 

thank you very much for the kind words! I am always so embarrassed about my writing, it took a lot of guts to post it online, because it is very personal to me. I appreciate your honest feedback!

Marian

 
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