Read it and retch!
As a
Wisconsin-based magazine, The Writer is always pleased to see local people do
well. In this case, we’re placed in the odd situation of praising a homegrown
product for creating some truly hideous writing.
As reported in
our hometown paper, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, assistant professor Sue
Fondrie of the University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh took top honors this week in the
2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for best bad writing. (Edward George
Bulwer-Lytton is the British author we blame for beginning an 1830 novel with the line,
"It was a dark and stormy night.")
Ms. Fondrie, as
news reports wittily noted, managed to slaughter both tiny birds and the
English language in a single sentence. Submitting her worst possible opening
sentence to an imaginary novel, Fondrie wrote:
"Cheryl's mind turned
like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts
into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories."
Ouch.
And now to ick. In another category in the
same contest, the Associated Press reported, Mike Pedersen of North Berwick,
Maine, took the prize for best purple prose with this atrocity:
“As his small boat
scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds
with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat
and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt
blue."
-- Ron Kovach, senior
editor, The Writer
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writeright
wrote
re: Read it and wretch!
on
Wed, Jul 27 2011 5:17 PM
I can honestly say that, as an adult, I've never written anything as bad as these.
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reasoning18
wrote
re: Read it and wretch!
on
Thu, Jul 28 2011 7:59 AM
I laughed out loud; especially at the "purple prose."
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I just read a paragraph from 'Killing Floor' by Lee Child describing a headbutt.
"It must have caved his whole face in. I guess I pulped his nose and smashed both his checkbones. Jarred his little brain around real good. His legs crumpled and he hit the floor like a puppet with the strings cut. Like an ox in the slaughterhouse. His skull cracked on the concrete floor."
They don't call me Mother's Happy Child for nothing!
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Sue Fondrie
wrote
re: Read it and wretch!
on
Thu, Jul 28 2011 11:19 AM
Maybe it's best that I never read The Writer, or it would've improved my writing to the point that a Bulwer-Lytton win would've been impossible.
Thanks for the mention!
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Ron Kovach
wrote
re: Read it and wretch!
on
Thu, Jul 28 2011 12:11 PM
Sue, you rocked with that wind-powered turbine.
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Hey Sue,
You won a writing award - "Congratulations!"
Something we all aspire to.
Mother's Happy Child
(It's the write time)
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ginger mynatt
wrote
re: Read it and retch!
on
Thu, Aug 11 2011 2:23 PM
Both of those made my day. And I need a good laugh as insecure grayish clouds hover tenatively over our parched brown dry grasses,crunchy brown-rimmed leaves on trees and sad, sickly flowers like marathon runners in the last mile, keeping us on our knees to beseech for rain to relieve us of this 40-day record of temperatures over 100.
Have a good day.
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Sinibaldi
wrote
re: Read it and retch!
on
Tue, Aug 16 2011 11:23 AM
Delicious desire.
In a learned
memory you
can find the
atmosphere that
often appears
near a luminous
faith.
Francesco Sinibaldi
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Myra Ting
wrote
re: Read it and retch!
on
Fri, Aug 19 2011 10:16 PM
Hey Ginger, at least your offering sounds truthful and close to home!
Think of the rainbow and the possibility of colorful sentences Mr Pedersen could be inspired to write with the confidence gained by winning.
Cheryl will get over her tantrum and calm down enough to share your winnings, Sue
And Yes MHC, Sue is a winner and that's no disgrace.
Hi Sinibaldi, Both these writers received a delicious desire we all seek; acknowledgement of being.
Myra Ting
It's never to late; just do it
I'll set pen to paper
Write now, not later
And post it so others may view it
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dolphinchick
wrote
re: Read it and retch!
on
Sun, Oct 2 2011 8:05 PM
Whether or not he intended the colour pun, the last authour's piece made me laugh and appreciate the sentiment!
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