Pet peeves

The Influence of Ninety-Eighty-Four on Writers Workshops

Christ7 — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 19:32:55 GMT

The Influence of Ninety-Eighty-Four on Writers Workshops
by Chris Roberts

The following first hand experience is into the particular practices of a single writers workshop/discussion site. It soon morphed into my being caught up in a totalitarian cyber land, where staff members are wholly immersed into to this political form of rule. This is especially true in what they deem what is culturally acceptable - what one can write and mostly can't write.

Now the practices, secrets, control and other such mechanisms of totalitarianism dictate a black-out on any informational dictums relative to the group. They will sue in a second any information leaked out to the world. Given this predilection of litigious fervor, I will address the following issues. This is a real site I dealt with. The site, like any other, falls under public domain and so I will provide the real name - Eratosphere. Persons dealt with are given aliases in the spirit of fair play. The quotes are real, pursuant to the Fair Use Act: "Uses that advance criticism, education or scholarship are favored-particularly when the amount copied is small." Also, a staffer related to me, "You can quote any publicly available information at (The Site) within the limits of the fair use act in your article..." The two site staff members dealt with, in order of appearance, will be known as Citizen Cog and Citizen Censor.

When one surfs the web in search of a diversion and one happens to be a writer the natural inclination is to explore what is of keen interest to him or her. The plethora of writer's forums, discussion groups and workshops all seem so inviting. If there is a consistency in these sites it is an inconsistency. Rules differ, cliques are encouraged, what is allowed to be posted (I'm not talking about profanity, sexually explicit, racially charged rhetoric, vitriolic poison and the like which all can agree is despicable), the number of reviews needed to post a story, poem and so on. If this arbitrary rule of law continues, a spiraling down of the trash talk shows will invade these sites and ultimately make of them inconsequential and finally and deservingly kicked in to the grave. What follows is my experience with one such site, Eratosphere.

Context: I submitted one story to the fiction board and another piece on flame wars to the general talk board. Since the latter was taboo (censorship), the flame war was moved to fiction, where you must review three works in order for other members to read it. So it was locked to readers and too, my short story. I addressed what is below to Eratosphere.

The road to truth can often be found through discourse. This is my goal. There are some basic truths to be found on Eratosphere. I experienced such with Citizen Censor. Should you decide to post a story, poem and so on, you will not be allowed to delete it.

Citizen Cog, moderator of the fiction posts stated to me in an e-mail, "Partly because once a piece has been commented upon, removing the piece can be viewed as inconsiderate to those who have spent time responding." That stance is wrong on any number of levels. First, the work is mine period. Secondly, the story was locked to members, so why have it on the board at all? Third, all a person commenting (I agree there is work put into it) has to do is make a copy of it - it's not rocket science. Lastly, Eratosphere is a discussion board/ workshop that posts different genres and that's it. They don't pay money like literary magazines nor do they require exclusivity in first rights publishing as literary zines do. I owe Eratosphere nothing.

When you post a story, poem or perhaps an opinion, be ready to have your words/work held hostage or shuffled from genre to genre. It was locked to other readers and therefore inaccessible, hence needed to be taken off the site. I repeatedly asked to have my story deleted. It took the better part of a day to do it and many e-mails. It was done only after I intoned the word LAWYER. My other piece posted in General Talk was considered controversial - a talk about flame wars - so it was moved to Fiction and locked down to other readers. Straight up George Orwell, 1984 style. Citizen Censor wrote me this lame excuse, "This was an error--we just weren't sure what this piece was." It was obviously a look into flame wars. If that doesn't fit General Talk, then they need to re-work their discussion board. When Citizen Censor discovers the First Amendment, it's gonna fall down on her like a lightning bolt.

Speaking of Citizen Censor, where or if you are employed, is one of the informational conditions to join the site. "Anything that helps to tell us who you are and confirm that you are the person you claim to be is helpful to us: your name in an employer's online directory," Is it conditional to be employed in order to write? Plenty of unemployed writers out there and going back to the Stone Age (they didn't have writing instruments back then). It's simultaneously a perquisite and badge of honor for all artists to be loafers. Ever hear of van Gogh? Did his brother Vincent take up his paint and brushes and tell him "Get a job you bum?" Or what if I work for the C.I.A. and cannot disclose that I work for them (I don't, thank god). Oh, right, Eratoshere is a champion of the working man/women. Can't say that I've seen any hard hitting union pieces on the site...huumm?

Lastly, I'll say that the three review thing on Eratosphere does little to improve the quality of the site. As a veteran of the Zoetrope Virtual Studio and its most famous Flame War in the winter of 2004, I can say setting an arbitrary number of reviews is nearly worthless. The person reviewing usually picks the lowest word count, rushes through writing the review and the result is an abstract tethering of words that reads like Kerouac on magic mushrooms, washed down with copious amounts of Absinthe. This review process directly fuels flame wars.

So, to Eratosphere goes Eratosphere, I leave you as I found you - in cyber obscurity. Seeing as the cyber tentacles eventually take hold of the real world, that makes Eratosphere inconsequential in real time and reality's time is forever.

E-mail: croberts7@nyc.rr.com

Writers who don't try to learn their trade

DiTryin — Sat, 29 Jan 2005 17:35:54 GMT

Here's something that's been grating my cheese since the day I said my newsletter is a paying market: writers don't go out of their way to learn their trade.

Maybe I'm the only one who, when the decision to get into freelance writing hit me, I bought books and ebooks, signed up for newsletters, and read the articles on writer sites trying to learn everything I could to so I would succeed. (Yeah, ok, so I'm book-smart and experience poor, but this will work in my favor once I start submitting)

But if you get more rejections than you do acceptances, do yourself a favor and READ! Learn how to do it right so you'll stop doing it wrong. Learn how to write a good, attention-getting query, learn how to submit it, proofread your piece before you send it, run it by someone else (preferably a writer) to make sure it's clear and as good as it can be before you send it to an editor, look at past issues to see if it's even a good fit for this publication (someone once sent me a piece on LINUX (the computer code) -- and then sent me a nastygram when I said it wasn't a good fit for my newsletter! And writers wonder why some editors don't respond! <pound head on desk>),..........

Have you ever heard that editors can only use 10% of what they receive? I'm here to tell you -- that is s-o-o-o-o true! You don't have to be in the other 90%. Do a little homework. Learn from the pros what works and what doesn't. If you really want to succeed -- do yourself (and editors) a favor and do it!

[8D]

Diane

http://www.coolstuff4writers.com/FreeShipping.html

Bad Publishing Co.

rixxie — Sun, 10 May 2009 15:33:43 GMT

I hope everyone is having a wonderful mother's Day-take time to tell Mom you love her! I wanted to warn people about bad publishing houses-PODs, that are not reputable. WORDCLAY.com, they are horrible, blank-blanks, they hack up your book, leave the numbers off the pages and never fix it. It's as if, they are using illegals to produce the books the table of contents all up ontop of the first page. Skip the nightmare!! It's no way a GOOD publishing house would produce a rag like that! If a customer sent something in, that wasn't ready they should reject it-it's no reason to hack up books. I've seen some of their other books they byte-bigtime!! You would think-because they are the people, that print alot of the material for Microsoft Word programs, they would be good. They took my money for illustration, and did no drawings. I am finished with them-it's like illiterate junkies, that take your money work there. They put my book, "Tales &Myths..", up on Amazon just like that-Stupid!!

Createspace, hacked up my book too-they weren't as rude about it. They couldn't get numbers on the pages either-I think the dummies trim them off, in the final process instead of placing them at the top of the page, like somebody with a brain. And they are part of Amazon.com, I am so frustrated. I've go to get a third company to fix, the mess. Please-be careful, who you choose.

Pet Peeve-Good authors turned bad.

Carmeniris — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 03:11:26 GMT

I just (did not) finish reading two books by authors that in the past were two of my favorites, both very well known. I'm sure neither book would have found a publisher except for whom the authors are. Lucky for me, I borrowed both from the library since their work has been going down hill for years. It's a shame that sure money has taken the place of good literary work and that former great authors have no problem with submiting trash just for the bucks. One of them, even wrote a book on writing-when he was still respected. Too bad that really talented authors have such a hard time finding agents and these guys are still raking in the money. Where are the classics of the future supposed to come from?

My pet peeve?

amber_grosjean — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 05:46:24 GMT

A publisher liked my story idea and asked for my first 3 chapters with synopsis. After reading it, she said it was well written but would only accept it if I changed some things in the story, like the age of the MC, where the story takes place (in a castle, she didn't think it worked for the story), etc. I made all the changes that she requested and resubmitted. Then this person turned around and said I needed to take some classes and learn how to write short stories because it will help me write novels.

How did a story go from written well all the way to "go back to school because you suck"

That was totally wrong. I won't let this publisher get me down cause it is a great story and I know it will get published, just not by someone like that.

Amber

Silver Platter Babies

Writer's Edge — Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:58:11 GMT

Sometimes people come to these forums with a hidden agenda longer than an Orangutan's reach. One question leads to another. Or they take the first step, then follow-up with a gazillion requests for "help". The term "entitlement" soon comes to my mind. They want someone to teach them how to become successful writers -- for free.

It's a job, folks, an occupation, just like construction or surgery. Try to get free instruction from the bulding trades or D.I.Y. appendectomy lessons from your doctor!

Plenty of books, magazines, courses, classes, conferences, seminars, etc. exist for you to take advantage of. Of course they cost -- it's a career, remember? No free lunch. Oh, I take it back, if you become a small town newspaper reporter, you might ride the rubber chicken circuit and get plenty of free lunches that way.

If you can't say anything nice....

rdwriter — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 20:29:29 GMT

I'm all for constructive criticism, but seriously, some people need to revisit the old saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

I'll leave it at that.

bye

howtobookpublisher — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 09:32:11 GMT

bye

This is the most complicated business I have ever seen!

Claude123 — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:46:33 GMT

Hi,

I wrote my first novel and half way thru it I was innocently asked, "which Agent are you going to use?" So, I dropped everything and began to investigate the publishing arena. Talk about a head banger.. I was so confused and dismayed. I had no idea that Agents were so difficult to obtain. I also had no idea that each Agent had certain hoops they wanted me to go through. I left that realm of thinking and producing way back at the workforce, (so I thought) retiring to write creatively and for profitability..yea sure! What a wake-up call.

I sent my query letters, my "hooks" they call them to seven different Agencies that I thought I should try first because they met MY criteria. They were fired back faster than a missle. 'No thanks, not quite what we want and so forth.'..after seven turn downs, I decided to begin to investigate the POD end of things, self-publishing or the trash can. I choose to POD and I think I am quite happy with the results. My book turned out well, it looks good and it is selling. I used Author House after careful deliberation and studying the field...I decided I wanted to make a contribution to "The Literary World" and knock these Agents off the mound. They simply have to go. I am the customer, I hire them. That is how America works. But, it is who you know and what nationality you are in order to get published in America.

I say we must overthrow them. We need to all self publish. I am not waiting two years for my book to beg and find an Agent, let them change it around and redo my work, take a cut and make me kiss their obnoxious butts to boot! I can't do it. I worked long and hard all my life. It is my turn. I will devote my time to my own publicity, I will pay to get my book out there and I will smile because it's mine, all mine.

Yours Truly,

Mary Jane Cole

www.thebookperfectdress.com

...

Rejection accepted if written correctly

Page One — Sun, 17 Sep 2006 06:15:05 GMT

Last week, I got a rejection from a literary journal that was written on a used 1" x 3" post-it-note. Apparently that editor is still looking through his pile of read manuscripts trying to find this post-it-note with Bev's phone number and email address on the back.

"Thanks fer your manuscript. 'Tis a shame you culd not get this tighted up s'more. Please

yous the spel checker next time." I hope I get to meet this editor or simple reader when I get

to short story heaven. I can deal with rejection letters and notes of any size but poorly

written notes from someone that spent zip in the way of time with it as compared to the

rewriting I went through with an editor.

This novel by Arto Nieminen

art0 — Sat, 16 Jun 2007 14:17:31 GMT

This novel is for publishing in newspapers also in Writers Mag

Mansion

Every christmas their family got together into the mansion spending the christmas time.
They ate christmas dinner around the table in the large hall, plates kling and humble of the talk filled the hall when they told what was happened to during the year to everybody. They lived away from home allready, but in christmas time they returned to spend few peacefull day and joining themselves.
Dinner was continueing and they moved to another course. It was christmaseve and alltime they glanced at presents those were piled to the big stack in front of huge fireplace where fire was burning on long logs.
Before they started to share presents father allways told them a story. It was different every christmas and changed a little bit year after year when the children grow. Now they were young adults allready and they allways were hurry.
Only Sheila, the oldest of them liven in mansion anymore. Her fionce was in frontlines and she waited still him. The others Paul, Marty, Sarah and Maureen lived away part of the year and joined their lives unmarried, indepentend on their ways. Only John the middle of them was missing. It was war and he was in the frontlines where batlles were racing violent and it was not knowlige when he would return to holiday.
Night started to darkened allready out in the park when father ended the dinner by saying
"Now listen carefully!"
"The one of you who will give a birth to a first child will got the whole property"
It frightened them, raised fear. They stared themselves not believing what they had heard. They beg and ask but father didn't change his mind. It would be happening allready in next christmas they realized by terrified. Then allready would be known who got the property. Again and again they beg and ask but fathers decision fit. But they were still so helplesly young...
"For that has been builded a cottage in to the park so married couples can go in there spending their wedding night."
Discussion ended to that. Little by little they moved to the front of the huge fireplace in the light of the flames sharing their presents.
That was where the race started.
There wasn't no more than a week left to the new year, but when it came were two of them, Paul and Marty allready got married and weddings had been spend.
From somewhere raise a rumour then telling Sheila had slept with a married man and it could'nt kept secrect anymore. Sheila left out of the land then and later gave up the competition. In first days of the new year Sarah and Maureen
also found fionce to themselves and weddings were spend in the mansion.
So the race was continueing equally matched.
February and March went away nervously waiting. John and Derek were also waited to come home but they did'nt arrive.
April came and the first marks of the pregnencies started to be seen all of them four women and the self-confidence started shine out of them.
Of Sarah and his husband Erik, of Maureen and Edgar, Paul and Laura and Marty and his wife Minna. They all think that they will be those who got the first child and the property allthought the winner candinate changed all the time.
Then June came hectic and John came back from the war. He bring with him a young beautiful woman named Mary and then The John of the Mansion got married.
Weddings was spend in the chapel and when the night came they went in to the
cottage spending their wedding night.
It was new then and smelled fresh logs.
People felt for them. They were allready helplesly late but when morning came
was hundreds of people got together in there park hurraying and giving applauses when they came step out of the cottage to the porch smiling happy.
Slowly they walked in to the park and people followed them when servants carriedfood on to the tables on the grass. We spend party in that day in there
summer park for their glory. We sat down on to the grass and ate and drink and John and Mary were in there with us. After we ate people insist John to keep a speak. They hurray and yell until John agree and sat then down. They stood up there middle of us and John was handsome and Mary oh my god but that woman was beautiful! Kind of a beauty by her nature to whom was to be delighted immeadiatly from first look and couldnt stop stearing at.
John speak with loud voice that they loved each other and they hope their first child to be born in it's own time, when it feels right to come to this world. There were hurraying and yelling. Men who were fight with John in the same company were asking if they could use the cottage also in their wedding night.
People quiet down. There were lot of wedding quests but John was stearing at them still and promised that all who wanted could use the cottage in their wedding night. Let it be named Lovers Cot from this moment!
And all the first born childs! Mary spoked, who will born nine months from that night will got their land to their own as borning present!
People humble and stood then up. Started then yell wildly and throw their hats.
That was madnes allready! You see in that time most of the working people lived in rentfarms. They were lands owned by Mansion. They allways had been.
After that the rush in there was so great that there was'nt nights allmost enough. People got married in record speed. All got married, everyone wanted in there spending their wedding night. It was POPULAR, spend a wedding night in there. People were sitting in the park tens of them otherwise also and in weekends they spend party's in there. We went also in there when our time came,
Heljن and I. It was a beautiful time. Erkki was born...
Oh I still cant talk about those people...

In the night
Young and sweet
people dancing in the street
It's a time harvest fest
noone's having got the rest

In the night young and sweet
people arquing between
who's the best who's to win
who's this summers harvester

I said no I let you
I said no I let you
I said no I let you
no I let you
Take my hand and come with me!

I said no I let you
I said no I let you
I said no I let you
no I let you

In the night young and sweet
people dancing by the trees
it's a time harvesting
and the gorgeaus cathering

In the night rose and vine
Battle continues between
who's the best, who's to win
who's tonight is beaty queen

And I'am standing in shadows and frightening the light
Leafs of trees are hiding to me be insight.

You understand. People lived like a last day.
Party's were spend every weekend. John and Mary were in there also.
Drunk's hurt eatch other and who to whom. People owned more and more allready
beforehand. It made them crazy.
I didn't went in there anymore.
I only watched from hide what was going on in there.
Huge fire's burned in the park and people danced around them.
In the middle of those hellish party's Mary gave a birth to a bloody litlle
weakling who died soon after it was born. But she raised that weakling in the
air for the mark of her victory and yelled she had had the first child and people joined to that yelled and yelled, it was like born of some monster.
It was august then.
Other women still waited pregnant their babys to be born.
It was monsterous.
Rain started to falling down and all the party's were ended.
Autumn came and went. Women give a birth to their whealthy baby's but...
October came and November and again it was christmas.
They sat in the mansion's large hall around the long table eating and drinking.
John was in the other end of the table and mary in the other end and all the others in middle on their own places. after they hed ate they moved in the front of the huge fireplace to share their presents. "To Mary" Someone said giving the first present to her. Mary took it and opened it. It was a boxfull of tails father allways told them in christmas time. On top of them in there was that tail which was saying the one who give a birth to a first child will got the whole property.

All rights reserved
Arto Nieminen

Fakes, Frauds, Scammers and False Agents

wordworks2001 — Fri, 27 Apr 2007 19:18:07 GMT

I am seeking an agent for my memoir. I have sent a few dozen queries out over the past weeks. The only positive reply turned out to be from a fraud. Has anyone else dealt with the Writers Literary Agency and Sherry Fine?

Check out my blog for information. http://novemberghosts.blogspot.com

Encouraging Rejections

Erika — Tue, 15 Aug 2006 19:02:54 GMT

I don't know if it's great or the most torturous thing in the world, but I've gotten two agents to look at my manuscript. The first wanted to see the whole thing after reading the first three chapters, told me it "brightened her day" and she could relate to my character and story, and then said she's leaving the business. The second told me that I was a good writer, had an "interesting and ground-breaking story", but didn't think it would work in his market (he was a Christian literary agent).

Now here's my problem with both these "no thank yous." If my book's so freaking great, why wouldn't the agents have represented it? And if it sucks, why would they have spent the energy to tell me what a great story-teller I am?

This is why I'm thinking about a professional editing service, to get some honest critiques. Honestly, the encouragement is nice, but it still leaves me scratching my head and wondering if I'm chasing a pointless dream.

Erika

On Writing and Butt-holes

Bryan Alaspa — Sat, 19 Aug 2006 19:22:50 GMT

It’s been an interesting experience so far, I will give it that much. I am talking about, what else, the release of my third novel just this past week. It has taken up much of my time, and so far the pay off has been not nearly as dramatic as I would like to have believed. What it has shown me is that everyone has an opinion. My inbox has been filled with people who all think they know better how I should do things. One thing about opinions has certainly been proved correct with this experience and that is that, like butt-holes, everyone has one and usually they stink.

It turns out the world is heavily populated with “Comic Book Guys” from the television shows “The Simpsons.” Guys and gals who like to sit around and criticize the way everyone else does something because they somehow believe they know better. Why do they know better? Well, they have a newsletter or own a bookstore.

Another phrase has come to mind over the past few days and I am putting myself squarely in the middle of it. I do this too. I admit it and, at the very least, I am able to admit it. Those who can’t, teach and those who really REALLY can’t, criticize.

Now, of course, I sit here day after day and do the same thing on this and other blogs I write. I write opinion columns about sports times for other online magazines. I write about restaurants and businesses and get my opinion. I get paid to do that. So, as I said, I am including myself into those who really cant they criticize.

Still, I have been told twice that my press release was all wrong. They say I have no credibility to write about my own book and say anything positive about it. Of course you say that, they say, you wrote the book. Of course you like the book.

That’s not actually the truth. I wrote the book in 2003. I then read and re-wrote the book. I then read it again and did yet an other re-write. I kind of despised the book. If I never had to talk about these characters ever again I would have been happy. I then had to write, re-write, and re-re-write a synopsis of the damn story to send out to publishers and agents. I got the book published by an eBook publisher and it has been sitting on that website for three years. I figured that was the best I was ever going to do with the damn thing. I never had any intention of touching the book “Dust” ever again.

Then I looked around and discovered I had been working for eight years in Human Resources. I also discovered I pretty much hated working in human resources. There’s nothing like sitting on a gray cubicle working for a soulless company and listening to employees complain and b**** and moan about their benefits to make you either want to take up writing again or drive push-pins through your eyelids. I chose to try writing again because it was the one thing I had done my entire life with some success and always enjoyed.

I started by writing blogs. That turned into writing opinion and humor columns. Then I was writing restaurant reviews. Then I was writing sports columns. Then general interest articles about businesses and events in my area came next. I wrote website content where I had to use and repeat key words over and over again like “luggage.” I wrote a few of those and got a check for $200 and that was nice. Then I pulled out a short story I had written a while back and couldn’t find a publisher for and decided to send it to an online magazine. Lo and behold the magazine liked it and published it (www.thuglit.com). Then I found the website Lulu.com to help me publish my books and I pulled out the manuscript for “Dust” and now, here we are.

For three years that book sat untouched by me. Then I pulled it out again a few weeks ago and re-read it. You know what? After three years separating when I wrote it to when I was looking at it again I discovered I no longer had such an attachment to the story and the characters. Yet, when I read it I discovered I liked the story and it was a pretty good read. It was better than I had remembered.

What gives these people the right to criticize? Because they can publish a newsletter? All that shows is that you can put together a bunch of opinion and have either access to a Kinko’s and a roll of stamps or you know how to type in e-mail addresses and hit “send.” Obviously the people who publish “Time” and “Newsweek” and “TV Guide” need to take lessons from you because you are such and original publishing genius. Let us all bow before you.

Is it because you own a bookstore? All this shows me is that you know how to convince a bank to give you a small business loan then find a place to put your store. You can then fill them with bookshelves and then (HOLY COW!) put BOOKS on the shelves! Books! In a book store! What originality. What a retailing genius you are! I obviously should bow and scrape and grovel before your awesomeness. Little did I know I was in the presence of a Montgomery Ward, Marshall Field, Sam Walton, Ray Kroc or those guys who started Starbucks or Domino’s Pizza.

One guy didn’t like me using the term “self-published.” As if to be so I need to have a printing press in my closet and then bind all of my books and send them out myself.

The thing about this is that NONE of the criticism is remotely constructive. It’s negative, negative, negative and then some sort of half-assed, half-realized completely unrealistic tip that they feel will bring you success. You know, because they are such successful geniuses themselves. See, all they tell you is what THEY feel you did wrong. Of course, they are so bitter and angry themselves that nothing you can do will possibly be the right thing so it’s a completely losing battle. They just have some tiny bit of power and have carved out some ridiculous bubble of their own that they can lord over and this gives them some kind of power trip. OK, how about some actual, practical tips about how to do things better, oh lord and master of the publishing world.

The biggest tip I find is that I need to get another published author to write a blurb about my book. OK, like I hang around with other authors at the author’s club on Friday night. If I knew any published authors wouldn’t you think I would ask them? Wouldn’t I be asking them for their agent’s contact information or begging them to put me in touch with their editors and publishers? Isn’t the fact I am going to a print-on-demand place called Lulu.com enough evidence that I am all by myself here and don’t know any other writers?

Of course, you can pay a writer about three hundred bucks to write you some stupid review for you. I had no idea that this was the real place to make money. So, if you are some other lower-rung writer who has managed to get published by some publisher you can start whoring yourself out to other struggling writers. I am going to have my first non-fiction book published by a non-vanity publisher next year. I guess this means I finally get a key to the executive restroom and I can start offering my services to the highest bidder as well.

So, here’s the deal about my book. You ready? See, I am a cynic. I believe that the thin tissue of normalcy that the world puts up in front of their face is at thin as tissue paper. What we really are is a bunch of violent, vicious, selfish creatures who like to pretend we are move evolved than we are. So, I think that in a small community, such as a small town, if it were discovered that a horrible crime had been committed, repeatedly in the presence of what that town considered normal it would start to shred that tissue. If it were then found out that others in the community knew about the crimes and covered it up then the rest of the tissue would fall apart. The ugly mess would be revealed and the town would descend into chaos.

That is the pretentious, artsy-fartsy stuff in my novel “Dust.” None of that matters. It’s a good story. It has a lot of action. It has a serial killer. Two houses explode. There are cops and Feds and helicopters and gun fights. Bullets fly. The body count is substantial. Stuff ‘splodes. It’s a story that hits the ground running with the discovery of the bones of children and doesn’t stop until the town is burning. If you like action and suspense and criminals who get their comeuppance then this is the book for you. Check it out at my website.

And my advice for you writers and artists out there? Don’t listen to the pretentious idiots who have deemed themselves superior to you because they want to wave their smelly butt-hole in your face. You write what you want to write. You paint what you want to paint. You sing when you want to sing. You create what you want to create and don’t let anyone tell you what they think you should be doing. In the end they don’t know. It may feel like you are standing in the desert screaming until your voice is hoarse. However, if the conditions and the wind are just right, someone may hear an echo and that will be enough.

One of the biggest crimes to the literary world to me is that no one has yet offered a publishing deal to my friend Jessica. You can read her blog at http://daughterofopinion.blogspot.com. The way she can tell a story, punch you in the gut, make you want to cry and then make you laugh it unbelievable. Her blog articles are some of the most gut-wrenching and powerfully-written things I have read in decades. God help all of us if she does get a publishing deal and decides to write fiction. She’s what the rest of us will some day aspire to. The fact that I knew her for years without knowing she had this much talent is a testament to how straight this woman has her priorities. I wish I had just one tenth of her talent.

Since she has yet to be offered millions to publish her stories shows you how sad the publishing world is. It’s a world full of “Comic Book Guys.” It’s a world full of people who want to feel superior over you. It’s a world of smelly butt-holes waved in your face while they tell you it’s for your own good and that what they are doing isn’t rude. Sure, and if I stab your mother, I can just apologize and say it isn’t murder because I was just trying to see how sharp the knife was.

Some of you probably don’t like what I’m saying. You probably feel I am using the wrong words. You probably don’t like my use of the world “butt-hole.” Some of you might feel compelled to tell me how you feel. Don’t. The fact is, I don’t care.

So there.

more annotated rejection letters

belowtheradar — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 16:39:43 GMT

Some of them are so surreal that they have to be shared. Like this one, that turns a corner and rounds a couple curves before it finally ends:

Dear (my name)

Thanks so much for sending your query, and for offering me the chance to consider your material. Unfortunately, your project does not seem right for me. My decision reflects my present workload and my current interests. It may also be that yours is not the type of book I handle. For more about the kinds of books I do represent, go to (URL of the agent's website) and click on my name. Since it's crucial that you find an agent who is extremely enthusiastic about your book project, I urge you to continue to seek representation, especially since this is such a subjective business -- what works for one agent or publisher may not work as well for another. One tip--find books that are similar to yours (same genre, subject, intended audience, etc.) and check the Acknowledgments section for the name of the agent. Then reference that book in your query letter. Just FYI, I never open unsolicited attachments or visit unsolicited websites.

Best of luck!

Sincerely yours, (agent's name)

Good advide, to be sure. Find out what kind of books the agent represents before sending the query. I did visit the agent's web site before sending the query. There are a couple generic genres of fiction, and a handful that the agent doesn't represent. No client list, no recent sales, nothing on which to base an educated guess re what the agent does represent. At least she used my real name in the greeting instead of "Dear Author."

I thought dashes were properly used in pairs, and single dashes replaced by colons or eliminated by starting a new sentence. Noah Lukeman, in his book on queries, devotes an entire paragraph (!) to how the incorrect use of dashes can flag an inexperienced writer.

I love these rambling rejections. As if the more explanation offered, the better the agent feels about rejecting the submission (and the more patronized the writer feels).

Equally as amusing is the two line rejection (praise the Lord for the economy of words) under which appears the agency's name, mailing address, and phone number! Do they really think I'm going to write to them, or call them long distance, after being rejected?