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Poetry

Started by tyler_giusti at 02-25-2006 3:36 AM. Topic has 2 replies.
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   02-25-2006, 3:36 AM
tyler_giusti

Joined on 02-25-2006
Posts 36
Sunset Rising

A poem I just made...

Sunset Rising

I sat outside yesterday

Just to see what you would say

To see if all those things you said rang true

 

I was sitting there, upside-down

Feet faced up, head to the ground

I watched as morning sky turned blue

 

I felt blood rush to my head

I wondered surely I should be dead

But the day's not over yet we'll see

 

The birds they chirped and clouds ran by,

And I started thinking if I could fly,

Would I ever come back to this old tree?

 

I stopped trying to figure this out

And sure enough, I forgot about

All those things you said to me before

 

My mind was soaring through trees

With the dandelions and bumblebees

Surfing along from shore to distant shore

 

I saw again how nice things were

When you didn't care if you let things blur

And how simple happiness could be

 

I lost track of the ticking time

Of the dreaded clock in the world of mine

In this world where I fit in so perfectly

 

And among the hills I saw my life

Free of danger, free of strife

I saw the perfect life in my mind

 

It was sitting there where I could grasp

But I did not stare 'cause It would last

It was right there in a place I could always find

 

But then I lapsed out of my dream

Of a perfect world in harmony

And back into my life of dispair and woe

 

I cursed the earth and I punched the branch

I screamed real loud why did I miss the chance

I should have taken that perfect life I found

 

Now I had to live in misery

What happened to my only harmony?

I couldn't look at the sky so I decided to face the ground

 

To my surprise what did I find?

A thousand ants all in a line

And they all lived in harmony

 

What did they know that I did not?

Then I found it was quite a lot

They knew how to live in simplicity

 

It was then I decided as I looked to the west

If I was simpler that would be best

Just with a complex thought from time to time

 

I took a breath, dropped from the tree

Started seeing what I could see

In this imperfect world in a perfect mind of mine

 

Oh... I just noticed you can attach files (I haven't been on the site in months) Oh well...


I'm back from vacation, and finished with the pile of work on my desk when I arrived back. In the meantime, I still detest the idea of private forums, etc, etc, etc. Etc.
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   03-24-2006, 12:53 AM
LinnAnn

Joined on 11-06-2003
Posts 3,566
Re: Sunset Rising

Tyler, I wish I were better at poetry critiques. There is fantastic promise here, I wish I could  point out the ways to make this poem better.

love, LinnAnn

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   03-25-2006, 8:08 PM
cpa41

Joined on 02-07-2004
Posts 12
Re: Sunset Rising

Tyler,

I liked the first half more than the latter half. Perhaps it should be shortened a bit. The danger in longer poems is that you start forcing rhymes and ideas rather that letting them come through naturally. I think the first several stanzas are very well done.

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