Re: Bliss

Short fiction

Bliss

ASavoy 07-24-2005, 5:17 PM
Bliss

Nine year old Alexia quietly picks at the honeysuckle plant beside her apartment building, taking a tiny flower and opening it. The warm California sun bears down on her neck, making her toss her long hair off her shoulders. She sniffs the intoxicating aroma of the honeysuckle flower, and it tickles her pink nose. This makes her giggle a little, and just then she hears a door open to one of the upstairs apartments. Alexia’s new friend Terry Jones, also nine pokes her head over the railing and sees Alexia. Terry smiles at Alexia and puts her hand through the bar of the railing.

“I got new chalk,” Terry tells her. Terry holds a large box of colorful sidewalk chalk in her hand

“Bring it here.” Alexia says as she briskly walks to meet her. Alexia trips a little over her Dr. Scholl’s clogs and recovers just as Terry comes around the corner. Terry holds the chalk out and Alexia takes the yellow Crayola box. She opens it and takes out a pink one, then a blue one.

“Let’s make hopscotch.”

Terry follows Alexia through the driveway and down to the sidewalk. Beads of sweat form at Alexia’s neck and she tosses her hair again, scrunching up her face in agitation. Terry watches Alexia curiously.

“I can braid it for you,” Terry says confidently.

Alexia bends down and starts drawing the graph for hopscotch.

“Do it after...will you put it in two pigtails like yours?”

Terry stares at Alexia’s hair and tilts her head a little. Then she nods. Alexia pulls her yellow t-shirt down over her lean belly as she draws the lines on the sidewalk. Terry watches her new “best friend” and waits to start their game. Terry and her family moved to Sacramento just two weeks ago, and the neighborhood was filled with families and kids. Terry and Alexia immediately bonded and spent every day together. Their mothers had started talking some and agreed to a sleepover that weekend.

This was summer...sleepovers, hopscotch and no homework. And they were at an age when you could decide someone was your best friend after two weeks of playing together.

Terry is the first to go and hops happily over each square, her tiny sandaled foot pounding the sidewalk. Alexia stands back and watches Terry, then gets at the starting space and follows suit. Terry goes again and the two take turns over and over, breathlessly laughing. Alexia is the first to tire out.

“I win,” Terry giggles. She opens her arms wide in triumph and spins around. Alexia sticks her tongue out and giggles as Terry tries to grab it. The two girls finally sit down on the sidewalk for a moment’s rest. The sun brightly shines in both their eyes, and they shield their faces from it. Alexia’s mother Erin looks out the window of their apartment above the honeysuckle plants, checking up on them. Her blonde hair was pulled in a pony tail, making her look she more like Alexia’s sister then her mother.

Alexia pulls her hair off her neck and starts playing with it.

“Let me braid it. I’ll go get rubber bands.” Terry jumps up and runs toward their apartment building, her braided pigtails holding still while her yellow sundress crinkles in the breeze.

Alexia runs her fingers over her hair and Erin notices her there alone.

“Lex?” she yells.

“Yeah?”

“Where’d Terry go?”

“To get rubber bands... she’s gonna braid my hair. Can we walk to the store?”

Erin turns her head and looks at the large blue clock on the wall. “Yes, that’d be okay. Just a candy bar.”

Alexia nods her head, then hears the door in the distance open and close. Terry bounces around the corner with a closed fist. Her big brown eyes widen at the sight of a teenage boy on a Huffy bike, as he races past. Alexia watches him with full attention.

“He’s so cute. That’s Jeremy, Becky’s brother.” Alexia dreamily says.

“He’s a lot older.” Terry clarifies. Alexia rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue.

“I know that,” she says under her breath.

Alexia plops down on the warm sidewalk and sits Indian-style. Terry does the same thing and moves close to Alexia, reaching up and combing her fingers through her long, blonde hair. “My mom says you got a lotta hair.” Terry says this emphasizing “a lotta.”

“It’s like my mommy’s.” Alexia says proudly, shielding her eyes again from the sun.

Terry splits Alexia’s hair in two sections and gathers one in her hand putting a small glittery band around it. She separates the other section in three and begins to braid it, twisting one over the other. A breeze blows for a moment, but Terry holds the sections tightly. She twists the last few strands until the hair comes to a point. She wraps the other band around it. Terry takes the band off the other and in a few minutes makes another perfect braid.

“Done!” She says happily.

Alexia feels the back of her hair and seems to approve. “What’s it look like?” she asks.

“It looks pretty.”

They play another game of hopscotch then, laughing and panting the same as before. Alexia trips, but breaks her fall before she hits the ground too hard.

“Ooh, are you allright?” Terry’s mother Dawn calls from the balcony of their apartment. Alexia nods and jumps right up. Dawn’s red lipstick always caught Alexia’s eyes. She thought Dawn to be one of the prettiest women she’d ever seen and told her that when she met her. Dawn was recently divorced like Erin so the compliment was awfully welcome.

Erin steps outside then shaking her head at Alexia.” Careful next time, Lex. Are you still going to the store?”

“Yeah! Can we go?”

“Well...,” Erin turns to see Dawn come around the corner, “Dawn, can she go with Lexi to the store?”

“Yeah, sure,” she says with a smile. “Let me go get some money, Terry.”

Erin hands Alexia a five dollar bill and Alexia’s eyes get big.

“That’s not all for candy, you. I want you to get some eggs and milk too. You can use the rest.” Erin smiles at Alexia’s hair. “And that looks very pretty...did you do that Terry?”

Terry gives her a big nod and smile, twirling her tongue around the corner of her mouth.

“Very nice,” Erin says as she walks back toward the building. “Go right there and back Lex.”

“I will, mommy.”

After Dawn gives Terry her money Terry and Alexia excitedly begin their walk to the AM PM around the block. The sun has warmed even more as the time nears one in the afternoon. Alexia’s not so hot now, with her hair off her shoulders. She feels the sun burning her nose a little and rubs the tip. The long wide street stretched far ahead, and cars were speeding by them one after another.

“Hey,” Terry says softly, “wanna tell people we’re sisters?”

Alexia starts to skip and her face lights up. “Yup. We’ll tell them we have the same mommy...or daddy? Because me and my brother have different mommies.”

Terry thinks for a moment. “Different mommies. “ Terry finally says, though still sounding uncertain. It was clearly a tough decision.

“Yeah, okay.” Alexia shrugs. She shakes her braids to feel them softly touch her neck.

They turn onto Morse Avenue and see the AM PM ahead. Sitting on the curb licking a melting fudgesicle, is sixth grader Tommy Burke. His dirty blonde hair was freshly cut and he was dressed in new board shorts and a white t-shirt. His skinny legs and hips were lost in the baggie shorts, but he had a confident sneer.

“Hi, children.” He says with a snicker as he gobbles his ice cream.

Terry squints at Tommy and puts her hands on her hips. “Be quiet, dumb boy.” Alexia stands beside Terry and holds her hand.

“What are you gonna do about it? Beat me up?” he begins to laugh loudly.

“Maybe, brat.” Alexia says sticking out her tongue.

“Shut up.” He says rolling his eyes, taking another frantic lick of his ice cream.

“Don’t tell my sister to shut up!” Terry snaps loudly.

Tommy begins to laugh again and wipes the chocolate from his mouth. He stands up and throws the wrapper behind a tree.

“You guys ain’t sisters.”

“Yes-huh.” Alexia says. The two girls hold hands even tighter, standing like two tiny soldiers against the injustice of a mean little boy. Tommy scrunches up his face and shakes his head.

“Ya are not. You can’t be.” He practically spits.

“Why not brat?” Alexia questions with even more anger.

Tommy wipes his mouth again and looks at them with a nasty expression. “Because you’re black,” he says pointing to Terry, “and you’re white.” He then points to Alexia. “You can’t be sisters ‘cuz one of you is black and one of you is white. Quit lyin’.”

And with that Tommy trots away still wiping chocolate from his face.
Alexia and Terry still stand strong together, watching Tommy disappear around the corner.

They then walk silently toward the store to buy candy. What Tommy said was so strange to them.

It never occurred to them they were so different.

RE: Bliss

tgreen 07-26-2005, 8:38 AM
I can see and hear these girls. I like the dialogue and their actions. I also like the premise of the story, but I was waiting for a build up to a climax and then a denouement. I feel like that is sort of there, but not nearly as much tension going into the scene with the boy as their could have been. More tension would create more suprise and a longer lasting impression with the reader.

RE: Bliss

gabrielcoeli 08-02-2005, 10:08 PM
I'm going to agree overwhelmingly with Tgreen. This story needs tension, or at least another dynamic that will fuel it along to the end.

THE CRAFT:
the comma usage seems almost arbitrary in a few places, and there are some words left out, function words that are making the sentences grammatically incorrect.
The metric feel of the paragraphs is very nice, and it has a good, strong cant, but the commas (and lack of) are killing the flow of the words themselves. When this is fixed, as I'm sure it will be (this is clearly a first draft, and you have talent; it will likely shine in the rewritten and final versions) it will read easier and will probably mitigate other faults that seem pronounced to me but are probably just as bad or worse in my own work.

THE STORY:
Altogether, a wonderful story about the colorblindness of children, though. I've always marveled at children's perfect application of Occam's razor to every situation they are faced with, and you keep this at the forefront of the reader's mind throughout the story. There is nothing we have to assume and there is nothing we have to fill in with our own experiences with little girls (who, like butterflies, need no excuses); the characters give us everything we need to identify with their decisions, their shortcomings and their dialogues. Great storytelling. But get those dynamics rolling, like tgreen suggested.

**(1/2)
Two-and-a-half stars. (Will be much higher after the rewrite, I'm sure.)

Gabriel Coeli
gabrielcoeli.com
gabrielcoeli@yahoo.com

RE: Bliss

ASavoy 08-03-2005, 8:02 PM
Didn't know there was a star system, but okay!

Thanks for the words everyone. T, I think I wanted the story to have a very light feel to it, and maybe that is why I have the ending the same way. I wanted it to be very simplistic and straightforward. Thanks, for the good advice. I will rework it more.

RE: Bliss

gabrielcoeli 08-03-2005, 11:26 PM
Sorry about the stars; I didn't mean to offend. I simply thought that a defined quantification would be of more service than a nebulous string of constructive, yet critical, statements. Is it offensive? I'll stop if it's not good. I just criticizedthe way I'd like to be criticized.

RE: Bliss

jobydog 08-04-2005, 8:37 PM
I am a newbie here, so I don't know that I am the one to be critiquing someone else's work, but I can tell you what I think about your story.

I like this story; it had a good "moral" at the end, which was almost a surprise ending. The problem with that was that I kept wondering when something was going to happen, because it didn't have anything to make a "bump" in the horizontal line of the story. There was nothing to lead up to the ending, which happened all of a sudden, so it felt a bit like putting on one's brakes in the middle of the road. I suppose this is what tgreen and gabrielcoeli meant by lack of tension.

I did think the dialogue was very believable, just like two children talking. And the premise was nice, a sweet idea.

A bit too many adjectives, I agree. The other change I would personally make is to remove the adjective "awfully" from "awfully welcome". It sounded a little awkward to me.

And a little thing- a typo: "making her look she more like Alexia’s sister then her mother."

Re: Bliss

bartylsbythescrivnr 09-22-2005, 1:45 PM
Hi Asavoy, I liked the story; the characterization is good. While the detail and dialogue was intriguing, I too wondered what i was getting myself into when reading the first quarter of the story. I recently read an article on writing short stories (or novels) about letting readers know up front what to expect. Perhaps when you introduce some background ("Terry and her family moved to Sacramento..."), you could also write a couple of lines of abstract exposition that gives a hint of the message to come at the end. Most people write too much exposition; there is too little exposition in this story, though, i think.