LAST VODKA

Poetry

LAST VODKA

para 01-28-2004, 9:22 AM
Vodka in a straight glass
The lady with the silver hair clasp
Come sit with me
In the shadow of my smile.

Remind me of a lover
Soft words her mouth say
Lets talk dreams of yesterday
I know you are a reporter.

For my story, you pay
Yes I left my husband
Just write it like a play
I live for him
Die for him.

Bullfighter come what may
I cheer for him
I long for him
But his heart is faraway.

Sang for him
Dinned with him
Sent flowers everyday
But the other women.

Took my sweet fighter away
Now my life is a shadow
No more talk of yesterday
My heart will search tomorrow.

The price I have to pay
No more Vodka Darling
Takeaway.

RE: LAST VODKA

flea23 01-28-2004, 6:04 PM
I don't agree. Do not write to please one point of view. I think your point of view is valid. To get to the heart of a story, tell the story. Leave out the extraneous stuff. Anything that does not move the story (or poem) along, leave it out. Regardless of what others want you to do, you want to reach the readers.

And here I think, is where you might want to tighten up. What I said in the paragraph above is what I think you need to work on. You have too many extraneous things. It is O.K. to say "I know you are a reporter" but why is it being said? Leave it out or justify it.

I had a hard time making the transition from the husband to the bullfighter.

Good luck

The wordmaster

As to Flea23 "You'll never get to the bottom of him".
He's bigger than life, but then, which life are you talking about.? There's 23 of him.........

From childhood's hour - I have not been As others were - I have not seen As others saw - I could not bring My passions from a common spring -- EDGAR ALLAN POE
(a true independemo-republicrat)

RE: LAST VODKA

para 01-28-2004, 6:42 PM
flea23/egyptess thank you for your comments, I thought the poem was ok, but I will look at it again and see what errors there is, was not aware there was spelling mistakes

RE: LAST VODKA

LinnAnn 01-28-2004, 9:23 PM
The last verse is only three lines, and I find nothing wrong in this, but I've had others point out to ME that it's not done.

Write your poetry on 'word' and then the red squiggles will let you know the spelling errors.

I get the bullfighter part, and the transition. Now here's the rub. lol
If I get it, then something must be wrong lol!!!
Love, LinnAnn

RE: LAST VODKA

para 01-29-2004, 5:38 AM
LinnAnn I do write it up on word, then put it in here, can't understand it. Also it has also been pointed out to me about lines. Thanks

RE: LAST VODKA

AnnieOakLeaf 01-29-2004, 5:47 AM
Para...I really like your piece...it kind of takes on around a tree and a bush and across a creek before it really sinks in...it is really good...Excellent pictures...the change in tenses sort of threw me...but where you were going and the way you got there...and the subtle, smokey elegance of the pictures you drew...were really well done.

PS...I thought the line about Vodka being a reporter...was perfect...having had a mom, who loved her vodka (she stopped drinking gin...she once said it made her nasty)...and those times when she drank it...the stuff allowed her to tell you anything and everything that was on her mind, that she'd ever imagined or saw. With Vodka...nothing is off the record.

RE: LAST VODKA

para 01-29-2004, 6:04 AM
Thanks Annie, I enjoyed writing this one. I knew were I was going with it. It just felt right.